Dating

[Livinloud316]

what are your views? is it biblical? what are some alternatives? do you have some scripture to back it up? personally i believe it is wrong and is conforming to the worlds view but i have never found scripture to back it up

[Brandan Kraft]

From a website: http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Parc/8940/gentlerestraints.html

1. Modern dating is preparation for modern marriage - till divorce do us part.
Observe the dating patterns of those around you. Look at relationships you see blossom and wither at school, work, where ever. What is the first thing you notice? They don't last. People "fall" in and out of love like they change their underwear. There is no commitment. You notice that cute guy that sits across the room from you in homeroom, and the next thing you know - before you can say, "Oh no, I don't know his last name!" - he's winked at you and you're "going out". How can there be commitment in this kind of relationship? Two days later, you realize he's a complete jerk, you have nothing in common, and you've broken up. Sound familiar? People get married pretty much in the same way. Get married - fall out of love - get divorced. It's common nowadays, oh yeah. The point is - dating prepares you for divorce - the get together, break up, get together, break up, just sets a pattern for later in life. It's important to remember the reason why this is bad - divorce is a sin. In Mark 10:7-9 it says: "'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." (NIV). Some other verses you can find on divorce are Malachi 2:13-16 and Romans 7:1-3.

2. Modern dating tends to be based on physical attraction, and the woozy feeling of being "in love", instead of true love.
Referring back to the winking guy (we'll call him Bob) - why did you get that crush on him in the first place? Oh, it was that smile wasn't it? Or perhaps those wonderful green eyes. Or maybe you just liked his tan - or the little lock of hair that somehow falls out of place so adorably. These things are all fine and good - but they aren't what a solid relationship should be based on. Dating takes true love - the characteristics of which can be found in I Cor 13:4-8 ("Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.") and other various passage placed strategically by God throughout the Bible - and turns it into some flowery, head-over-heels, floating on clouds, life is perfect feeling. Love isn't a feeling, for one. It's an action - and a decision.

3. Modern dating puts up a false front of who you are.
Think about what you do when you go on a date - or what you would do. Okay, you and Bob are going out for the first time - that night, let's say. How about to dinner? What's the first thing you do? Girls - perfume, makeup, primping, curling, pimple popping. Guys - slick back that hair and come up with some good lines, right? (Okay, so maybe guys don't do that, I really wouldn't know, but I'm sure it's something equally stupid as to the girls.) Again, sure you wanna look nice for your date - but not only does it go as far as physical appearance, but what you say. You don't wanna look stupid, so you don't say anything that might incriminate you. Anxious to please your date, you pretend you like some of his activities, or pretend you don't like some of yours. After all, you have to have *something* in common, right? You got that right - but let's not fake it, okay? God made you who you are for a purpose, and the right man is going to love you for who He made you, not something you pretend to be. In Psalm 139:13-14 the Bible says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

4. Modern dating sets you up for physical compromise.
What about after that date? Are you gonna let him drive you to "Lover's Lookout"? You'd better not. Sure, you're just gonna talk - at least that what you *thought* you were gonna do. Hey, even if you're both Christians, that doesn't make you immune to temptation. So after a night of fakery, you're gonna sum it up with a nice short kiss...or maybe a long kiss. The Bible says, "Flee youthful lusts." - 2 Timothy 2:22, not see how close you can get to that "line". (There is no line, by the way - purity is a direction, not a line.) Dating concentrates on being alone with the person - being alone with a member of the opposite sex you're attracted to isn't always a good thing - for extended periods of time, and in romantic settings, as dating tends to do.


(NOW CONTRAST DATING WITH COURTSHIP)



1. In courtship, your relationship is founded on a solid relationship with Christ, and friendship.
Both parties ought to have a personal, growing, relationship with Christ, (2 Cor. 6: 14 - "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?") and a strong friendship with each other. Before any romantic notions get set in to motion, both people ought to be quite good friends with each other. This eliminates the need people feel to not be themselves. If you've been best friends with the person before hand, it's rather pointless to try and fake something - they already know all about you anyways! And if you've been friends beforehand, why would you care about faking something anyways? They've most likely seen you in the best and worst of moods, and there's no need to try and impress. The whole mindset of the relationship is altered from the beginning.

2. In courtship, both people know where the relationship is headed.
Another problem with modern dating is that no one ever knows where the relationship is headed. Sure, you may one day sit down and have that "Exclusive Talk", but it's touch and go, what do you feel, is it the same as me? When two people begin to court, it's understood - and talked about from the beginning - that this relationship is headed directly toward marriage - and that is indeed the whole purpose of the thing anyways. You may think that seems kinda serious right off the bat - but that's the point. It is serious. No one is wondering in the courtship relationship if the other person wants to be as serious as you do. It is serious from the beginning. You both know you want to marry each other - and most importantly - that God wants you to marry each other. How much simpler can you get? Saves alot of worry, doesn't it? There's that mindset thing again.

3. In courtship, the nurturing of true love in encouraged.
The whole purpose of courtship anyways is to prepare you for marriage - to learn beforehand how to love that person. That may sound funny to some of you. How do you learn to love? Read 1 Cor 13 again. Are you automatically patient with that person, or is that something you have to pray about, and ask guidance for? You're learning, aren't you? Hmm. What about selfishness? You gotta learn to put that person before your own needs. Hmm. Here's that mindset again. You can have candy and flowers, and moonlight walks if you want, but you're learning to love that person - to have and to hold, love and to cherish. Not just be in love. Most anyone can "fall in love". But to cherish is entirely different. It's a chosen and learned action. By the time you're ready to actually tie the knot - you're well on your way into a successful and God-centered marriage. Speaking of moonlight walks...

4. Courtship limits the physical temptation more.
It's still going to be there. But as courtship is about learning how to be a good husband/wife to that person, there's more to it than just going on dates. It's working together for God. Doing things in groups, serving other people. "To test, and be tested," as Josh Harris put in his book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". But it's important to remember that no matter how much time you spend in groups, and serving God, there are going to be the occasional normal dates, just for the two of you. (That's where my line, "Courting is dating" comes in.) And in those times temptation is going to be there. Just don't make them too awful often. Stay near people. It's for the best.

[Twiggy]

I date. I won't kiss the guys though. I won't even hold hands with them. It's too risky when the guys are prone to being as tactile as they are. Granted, those dates don't stick around which is fine by me.

[dearlyloved]

Why shop if you're not going to buy? What is the purpose of dating anyway?
Wait on God to bring your mate, you'll know when it's the right one.

[Twiggy]

Dating is a waste of time these days. TRUELY!! :rolleyes: Yet I do it mostly out of boredom. Shame on me.

How many people are now praying for their spouses? How many people prayed for their spouses before they met and how easy was it to spot them at first notice?

[frog4ever]

ahem... dating is not a waste of time. I've been going out with the same guy since July, and I've never been happier.. really, we are best friends. It's sad that not everyone gets to be as happy as we are at such a young age.. anyway, I think dating is a VERY good thing.. that is, if you know where your boundaries lie :)

[Twiggy]

Good for you Frog4ever. Did you pray for him?

Of course you know not all people exercise the use of proper boundaries. The guys that end up wasting my time have no self respect. YES Christian guys who grope and so forth.

Sad

[fredbvalani]

In Africa dating is seen as an alien, imported, western practice. However some have tried to practise it with disastrous effects of course.

Cause here if you ask a girl out what she understands is that you are interested in her or you want to start a relationship with her. So if she says yes then she is interested in you otherwise she says no.

Most of the people end up hurt with emotion imbalances and they end up marrying just anybody along the line of dates and it's usually the wrong person.

Dating is not in line with Christian belief.

[frog4ever]

not in all cases... I think sometimes it's for the good. and both people grow emotionally and they become more responsible. and I think it's ridiculous to say never to date. if you never date, then how will you know who's the right person? and you may say "you'll just know" or "God will tell you" but you have nothing to compare it to... no past relationships, I mean. anyways, I think dating's a good idea

btw yall, I'm about to get grounded for 2-3 weeks tonight. so i wont seeya for a while! :( I was 1 point off from getting a B in algebra. *sigh* lol

[Flip Special]

Dating! Argh!:rolleyes:

I don't think dating is wrong in God's eyes, but I surely think it's dumb!;) The games, the flirting, the idle chit-chat, the sweaty pits, the after-date questioning and wonder... it's just silly and stupid. Love will find me if God has a mate in mind. He will indeed have a tougher time to hook us up than He would if I would just get over it and date!:D

[Corbin]

What if "God" doesn't find you a mate? Are you going to pretend you are happy and say that "at least I never sinned by dating"? I believe than when people are younger, they should at least be able to "test different waters". Have fun, try and have a good time with members of the opposite sex. Then, as you get older, you can begin to have more meaningful and rewarding relationships. You will eventually develope some of those relationships into marriages. If you have only been with one mate your entire life, you are limiting yourself of very valuable experiences. These experiences will only make you a better person in the long-run, and you will be able to look back and realise how much happier you are now, because of the relationships you've had in the past.

All you people who say that they despise dating for christian reasons, perhaps don't you think you would change your tune if you were extremely popular and good looking, and could have any women/man that you wanted? I'm sure you would probably enjoy dating much more, and wouldn't be so against it. Just a thought...

[Susan]

I'm 18, never dated, never will. I have friends who date, but I think they are missing out on a great blessing-that of not being compromised both as Christians and as people.
My question is: How do you pro-dating persons explain the marriage stability rate in places like India and China???
There, marriages are arranged directly by parents and women are kept in their proper place. The result is that the divorce rate is low, marriages even stay together in cases of adultery and abuse, and there are not so many family breakups.
Even in more "liberal" cultures where matches are made through a catalog or a listing of persons by the individuals themselves rather than by parents :cool: the divorce rate stays low. The marriages stay together.
My point is this-with little or no familiarity before a marriage between the husband and wife, the marriage lasts and the wife is a better person by Biblical standards. :)
No, I'm not a man
No, I'm not a Muslim:eek: :eek:
No, I am not married yet.
Just think about this.

[jhamrick]

Corby wrote: "All you people who say that they despise dating for christian reasons, perhaps don't you think you would change your tune if you were extremely popular and good looking, and could have any women/man that you wanted? I'm sure you would probably enjoy dating much more, and wouldn't be so against it. Just a thought"

I am good-looking and popular....nevermind.


I think a rigid stance against dating is a bit legalistic. Sure, some people sin while dating, but some sin while playing basketball.

I always enjoyed dating. Sitting in a movie next to a pretty girl, holding hands if I was lucky, was always fun. Didn 't mean I had to touch her improperly, didn't mean we were getting married, just innocent fun.

I don't see what's wrong with that.

[Corbin]

I always enjoyed dating. Sitting in a movie next to a pretty girl, holding hands if I was lucky, was always fun. Didn 't mean I had to touch her improperly, didn't mean we were getting married, just innocent fun.

What stopped you from going further? A signifigant part of the dating experience is the sexual part.

I believe that one of the most lacking area of the american and canadian education system, is their sex ED. They mainly focus on the diseases assosiated with sex. Of course that is very important, but not once do they ever goin to the basics of sexual intercourse, such as how different methods are performed ect, and just basic knowledge that you must know to have sex with someone.

I know people who are soo ignorant about this area, that they would make a complete fool of themselves in front their partner if they did not recieve some sort of sexual guidance guidance. Since you can not obtain this knowledge through school, how else do you expect to learn it other than first-hand experience?

[Christ_†_Alone]

Originally posted by Corbin

I know people who are soo ignorant about this area, that they would make a complete fool of themselves in front their partner if they did not recieve some sort of sexual guidance guidance. Since you can not obtain this knowledge through school, how else do you expect to learn it other than first-hand experience?

Well you see, for followers of the Lord Jesus Christ, it works something like this:

You meet the man or woman that you enjoy spending time with, you become friends, you share your faith with each other, your hopes and dreams for the future, bad days, great days, stories about your childhood, bad jokes, good movies, popcorn, pizza and/or tofu, whatever kicks your tires, and have a wonderful relationship (friendship) centered on Christ.

Once married, the intimate part of your relationship is private between the 2 of them, and God, and bumbling, stumbling, and whatever else may come about, is dealt with in love, by each other. They grow together, learn together, and form a bond in all aspects of their married life, that is special, beautiful, and again, and most importantly, centered on Christ.

For the usaved? They pretty much do whatever they want, before, during, and after marraige. The unregenerate man or woman puts himself/herself first, and whatever pleases THEM is more important than pretty much anything else.

Just a few thoughts.

[jhamrick]

corb asked:"What stopped you from going further?"


Actually as a teenager, nothing. I had sex often and with many partners. I didn't know Christ or care about God's commands.

Something about the sex ,though, like other sins, was just never enough. I kept getting more and more wrapped up in it until I was encompassed by it.

I guess it is hard to understand, but when you have sex with someone, there is an emotional/spiritual bond that is created there that is hard to break. I guess God put the bond in place for the sake of marriages having that special bond. Anyway, when you create these bonds and then break them, it becomes tremendously painful. I got to a point where I was very depressed. I realized that it was the sex, and I gave it up with no religous convictions whatsoever.

Several months later, I did come to know Christ and His Word, and upon reading about the rules God placed on sex I immediately understood that those rules are there for your (the believer) protection, not just arbitrarily placed to take away your fun.

After being saved, dating became a whole new thing. I didn't view the girls in the same light, and what I wanted out of the relationship was totally different. Dating was much more fun, and there wasn't all the tension and pressure and heartache. I met the right girl about a year after being saved, dated for two years, and got married.

It floored me that she had thought enough about me before she even knew me to save something so special just for me. I felt bad that I hadn't been as considerate.

Nothing good comes out of premarital sex.

[Corbin]

I guess it is hard to understand, but when you have sex with someone, there is an emotional/spiritual bond that is created there that is hard to break. I guess God put the bond in place for the sake of marriages having that special bond. Anyway, when you create these bonds and then break them, it becomes tremendously painful. I got to a point where I was very depressed. I realized that it was the sex, and I gave it up with no religous convictions whatsoever.

I know several men who have sex with many different girls, and they seem to have no emotional attachment to these girls whatsoever. Personally, I feel the same way about it. I would much rather have sex with a girl I acually like, than someone who I don't like, but the physical pleasure is still there, regardless.


Nothing good comes out of premarital sex.

Well there's obviously the physical pleasure that one gets from the act of sex, and then there's also the sexual experience obtained. Perhaps one could argue that the negative effects of premarital sex out-weigh the positive, but that would be entirely subjective.

[Brandan Kraft]

Maybe instead of thinking about the "good" you might receive by taking such an action, you should consider the other party's well being instead.

[jhamrick]

Corb said:"I know several men who have sex with many different girls, and they seem to have no emotional attachment to these girls whatsoever."

I seriously doubt this. That is typical of what a man might claim, but the truth is probably something else.

"Well there's obviously the physical pleasure that one gets from the act of sex,"

Is this really a positive? I guess you'd also argue the positives of smoking crack? I mean there is a physical pleasure, and also the "real world" experience you get in jail etc. This is rediculous! There are no positives.

Now, I'm sure at "14" you have more experience, insight, and wisdom on this subject than me, but I kinda doubt it.

[Corbin]

Maybe instead of thinking about the "good" you might receive by taking such an action, you should consider the other party's well being instead.

Of course. This is often an issue with teens. The male will have very little, or no regard for his partner, and then when he seperates with her, the female usually has a very emotional breakdown. I wasn't saying I support this at all. I am very much against it. People who wish to have these kinds of "one night stand" relationships should make sure his/her partner is also looking for the same thing. If not, you could end up hurting someone a great deal.



I seriously doubt this. That is typical of what a man might claim, but the truth is probably something else.

I will agree that in some cases the men are just covering up, but I strongly doubt that most men are just covering up.


Is this really a positive? I guess you'd also argue the positives of smoking crack? I mean there is a physical pleasure, and also the "real world" experience you get in jail etc. This is rediculous! There are no positives.


Of course there are positives of smoking crack, just as there are positives of drinking alchahol. I mean, if there were no positives of smoking crack, why do you think anyone would do it??
But of course there are the negatives too. Smoking crack will eventually kill you, or land you in jail. Those are some pretty harsh negatives, so the average reasonable person decides not to smoke crack.

But are we comparing smoking CRACK to premarital sex? I think you are being ridiculous!


Now, I'm sure at "14" you have more experience, insight, and wisdom on this subject than me, but I kinda doubt it.

I never said I did. There's no need to be condecending.

[GreekPrincess]

Seems to me that this thread went from discussing the pros and cons of dating to the sin of premarital sex. Isn't that interesting? :rolleyes:

I think this proves Kermie's point in his first posting of this thread. I'm paraphrasing so correct me if I am wrong. Dating centers on the physical, while courtship centers around who we are in Christ.

And had this discussion been focused on courtship, I believe it would be centered on ..

Kermie said


The whole purpose of courtship anyways is to prepare you for marriage - to learn beforehand how to love that person

[jhamrick]

"if there were no positives of smoking crack, why do you think anyone would do it??"


So, there are also positives to murder, rape, and anything else that anybody does. Hmmm. OK.


"There's no need to be condecending."

Very Sorry, I didn't mean to come off that way.

Now GP is right, this conversation has gotten off topic. I still see no trouble with "going out", but a physical relationship is obviously something different.

[Corbin]

Okay, BACK to topic then.

Do you think you're better off now because you've dated? And if you do, why?

[jerkar]

In answer to Corbins question, "Do you think you're better off now because you've dated?" I answer a VERY emphatic NO!!
We are talking about dating again, right, not premarital sex.
In my past I dated a lot. I have also been married 3 times. Divorced 2 times. Each of those people in my past dating life, if they were somewhat serious relationships, now have a place in my present. You never forget.... I am also my husbands third wife. I was not a believer until after my third marriage. We are both In Christ now, but we both have an awful lot of garbage from previous relationships (not just spouses) that we have to work past. God is faithful and is really doing a work in us. We've got eleven years together. Fortunately neither one of us is bitter, just a lot of junk piled up in a place that should be set apart for my husband and I. My Bible says the two shall become one. Not one plus all the memories.
Love In Christ,
Karen

[jhamrick]

I don't see any real long term affect of the dating I did after becoming a Christian. Good or Bad.

[GreekPrincess]

I am reading this really good book and thought I'd tell you about it. It is called, "What to do until love finds you" by michelle McKinney Hammond. She is a Christian woman who writes about some pitfalls Christian women might find themselves in. She uses Scripture illustrations to support her points.

I am very much enjoying it. She is very up front with Scripture and the roles that women and men play.

Here is a link to it: ChristianBooks.com (http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product/?item_no=75315&event=SRC&item_code=)

Here is their description of it:

Description: Sharing her own struggles and triumphs of single life, McKinney Hammond offers valuable techniques and insights into making this time of preparation joyful and exciting. You'll discover practical steps for healthy, God-centered relationships, advice on how to avoid the pitfalls of dating, and the tools needed to lay a solid, biblical foundation for true love.

Now, let me say that I think she believes in free will so keep that in mind while reading this.

[Brandan Kraft]

Here is a good article on what to look for in a marriage partner.

Qualities To Look For – Or Avoid – In A Potential Mate : Biblical & Practical Wisdom For Choosing A Marriage Partner (http://www.5solas.org/media.php?id=229) - Darryl Erkel

[ProphetesGlynis]

Hello. GOD love you and the HOLY GHOST, too.
This is a portion of a teaching that I did concerning this subject:

Morestill, be aware that a boy may try to take advantage of you sexually if he can soothe you into believing that he loves you. This is not love but manipulation (i.e.: a trick or lie).
Speaking of manipulation (and a warning for you older teenage girls), a man may even try to force you to marry him by telling you, “God told me that you’re going to be my wife!” This has happened to me and a couple of other ladies that I know personally. What a nightmare! You should always challenge this statement from a man.
Even if a man believes that God spoke this to him, it is still a woman’s option (free will) to say yes or no.

(I Corinthians chapter 7 verse 39):
39 ...she is at liberty to be married to whom SHE WILL; only in the Lord.
(Numbers chapter 36 verse 6):
6 This is the thing which the Lord doth command concerning the daughters of Ze-lo’phe-had, saying, Let them marry to whom they think best...

These scriptures validate the infamous engagement question or a “proposal,” “WILL you marry me?” from a man to a woman. If a man really did know God, he should also know that God will not force you to marry him or anyone else. Equally important, neither would God force someone to marry (“be with”) you no matter how hard you “pray,” “stand-in-faith,” “name-him-and-claim-him,” and quote Matthew chapter 21 verses 21, 22: “And all things (not a person), whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.”

But your final decision of whom you allow to “cleave” to you eternally remains with you. Ultimately, you must be very careful and sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s warnings. As a result, if the marriage doesn’t work out, you won’t be able to blame God [nor your friends, family, etc., if you consulted with them].)

[notheard]

I haven't read all your posts but I did read a VERY good book by Christian Authors Cloude and Towsend called "Boundaries in Dating".