Hello, dunno if this is in the right forum or not. Got a question. Newbie, babe in the Lord here. Seeking the truth.
OK, I was introduced to the Lord years ago, accepted him, got babtised, read a lot etc., backslid before much growth occured. Found the Lord again a few years ago. Re-prayed the sinners prayer and then it went weird on me if thats a good way to say it. I had no big dramatic experiance, no instant newness, no fire for god kindled, but started reading and praying and occasionally going to church. Even paying tithes as much as reasonably possibe without creating strife between me & my wife.
I'm just about always mindful of the Lord and his word. I can sense the change within my heart and being and do not dwell on the flesh as I used too. I am able to stop some sinful thoughts from taking root in my conciousness but am in no wise perfect, I continue to sin. As paul said, 'That I would do, I do not and that I wouldnt do, that I do". I figure I'm in transition of the heart and will never be free of carnality until I die or the Lord comes. I accept that and realize there are some things that I just dont understand and that time and the Lords will will reveal to me.
The problem is that I do not seem to have received the joy of the Lord. I understand that my forgiveness has been bought and paid for by the blood of Christ, past, present and future, and try not to get depressed about sinning, even though I do. I seem to be slipping into deeper depression over my sins both present and past. I absolutely Hate my sins and pretty much have concluded that it would have been better if I had never been born. I realize this is the wrong way to think and that I am forgiven. I believe Jesus died on the cross wholeheartedly and have prayed for wisdom and understanding and I got at least wisdom to some extent because I have much fear of the Lord. Much fear. Understanding to some extent must be there because I flee from sinning and evil where I used to embrace it.
I read stuff like: "If you aren't at least as rightous as the pharisees, you'll not make it into the kingdom of God" and "The lukewarm will be spewed from my mouth" and stuff like that and can't help but feel like thats me. Oh, me of little faith?
Aren't I supposed to feel relief and joy to be seeking the Lord? What am I missing? I have no joy in my life. It says in scripture that if satan steals your joy then you have lost, or something to that effect? No joy. Lots of fear and trembling though. Now that I am cognizant of the Lord in my life, I feel useless as a Christian b/c I dont seem to have any recognizable fruits, and yet, as an earthly being, father, husband etc, useless and unfruitful also. I see so much deception and sin all around me in the world, I cant even take joy from going out and doing things that were fun family things as before. I feel stuck in the middle being of no good to either side, and no joy whatsoever. I feel like if I jump back into the world and family stuff, I'm certainly dead. I feel like if I continue seeking the Lord, I may wind up hearing "I am the Lord, I will do what I will with what is mine, and give mercy to whom I choose" etc.. Paraphrased of course, my memory isn't what it used to be. I believe his Grace is sufficiant for me, but he IS the Lord and Will do what he will. Why am I missing the joy?
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