Well, this has been long over due, so I thought I would finally post it here as I had promised Brandan a long while back.
So here it is.
My testimony.
First of all, before I get down to this daunting task of putting thought to written word (which I was never very good at), I want to inform whoever is reading this that some of the events that are written here you probably won’t believe or, might have serious doubts about. I only say this because to date I have experienced minor ridicule and second party interpretations from other Christians suggesting that I could be mistaken as to the events that surrounded my conversion. All I can do is present you with the facts, as they happened to the best of my recollection.
Thinking back to my childhood I can clearly recall always being aware of the existence of God. I would sit on Sunday mornings watching television evangelists, singing along with whatever song was being played, I remember Sunday school, I remember playing make-believe games where I would talk to God asking Him questions. I can even remember asking my mother to buy me a gold necklace from a television offer from the 700 Club attached with a small golden pressed charm saying, "You are loved".
As I got older I grew in disobedience, anger, and hatred at the world I lived in, the authority of the people I was subject to, and life in general. I had seen a lot by the time reached my teenage years. I started smoking pot and drinking alcohol at the age of 10. I was a big fanatic of heavy metal music from the 80’s and this helped to further corrupt my already corrupt nature. As a matter of fact, there was an instance where a friend and I sat in field burning a bible, sacrificing it to Satan. I guess you could say I was a really messed up kid.
By the time I hit 12 I took LSD for the first time, I was incarcerated as a Young Offender at 13, I was having pre-marital sex at the age of 15. I started using cocaine by the age of 16, and was homeless at the age of 17 so on and so forth. During this time I also started to dabble in New Age-ism and the occult.
During my later teen years, I was exposed to the bible as reading material by a female erotic dancer named Raven. We would sit around and smoke drugs while reading the bible, applying our own twisted ideas to it. Later, I would read the bible at home alone in my spare time; mainly reading Genesis to Leviticus, and re-reading The Book of Revelations. (I was a Jack Van Impe freak at this point) The return of Christ was something I had my hope set on, as it was the only solution I saw for this planet. It’s kind of odd to think about now, considering where I am at in life.
As I moved onward into my early twenties I started working in Toronto’s Nightclub industry. Eventually I moved father away from possessing a bible in my home, which was something I was always adamant about. Things just didn’t feel right without one. But as the story goes, I was becoming more and more seduced by the world, and I was more eager to worship the god in my mind than the God spoken of in Scripture.
By the time I turned 25 my life was completely out of control. I was now a full-time party go-er and drug addict. I threw parties for a living, and was usually high on ecstasy for 3 days at a time. I started experimenting with various psychedelic drugs and "states of mind" as a means of religion, and thought I had finally "tapped into" something tangible.
One evening, I was in the city core looking to score some dope so I went to a local park known for drug trafficking. I picked up a small amount of pot and decided to make way over to the University of Toronto grounds to get high. As I was moving towards my destination I walked past a local event stadium here in Toronto called the Maple Leaf Gardens: All my life it was home to the Toronto Leafs Hokey team, but on this particular night there was a special event; Benny Hinn,
As I move past the East Side of the stadium, past tons of tour buses, I laugh my butt off at the event. I thought "What a crock!, This guy is a such a scam!", however, I also saw an unusual amount of "Christians" outside the Gardens with their hands raised, in prayer. I then thought to myself "Wow, a bunch of people praying to God. That’s so beautiful, at least the whole world hasn’t gone to…" Turing the corner heading west I never gave it a second thought.
When I reached the U of T Park grounds I searched for a prime location to smoke my joint. This was somewhat of a ritual for me as I had developed a habit of finding places to sit that I felt were spiritually aligned with time and space and blah blah blah… I think you get the point.
I was sitting back, looking at a tree, then the sky, then back to the tree, pondering creation, the universe and the role I had to take part of in it. I started think about my awareness of life, and the connection it had to my reality. This was a favorite past time of mine; to just sit back and think about stuff none of the people in my circle of peers ever wanted to discuss. I guess it was my way of trying to make sense of everything.
During my moment of reflection, my thoughts started going in a direction that I can’t recall, but suddenly I felt my reality starting to change. Being a professional drug user, I knew it wasn’t the pot. This was something terrifying. I actually thought I was on the brink of losing my mind because of the intensity of the experience. All of the sudden I heard an awesome voice, and it wasn’t confined to just the inside of my head. It was all around me and inside of me. I can’t explain it fully, but it wasn’t an audible hallucination, and it wasn’t my imagination.
The voice had authority to it, and it said "Scott! This is God. I am coming to touch your life". I stopped and thought, "maybe I should ask it a question to make sure I’m not freaking out and loosing it" So I asked "Oh yeah? How do I know this is God and not just some figment of my imagination? It could be this pot" and He said, "You’ll know." Then everything went back to normal just as quickly as it had begun. I got up and run as fast as I could out of the park and onto the subway home. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to literally have a heart attack. I mean, seriously… I though my heart was going to stop beating from too much exertion. I had never, until that point, been so gripped with fear that as I was that night.
The next few days I started calling around to different churches asking questions and I kept getting the same response, which was "God doesn’t talk to people". So, for the next three days I thought about it, and though about it, and decided I would forget it ever happened lest I wind up in the loony bin or something. From that point forward for the next few years, my life hit an all time low. The drugs increased, and led to newer and more exotic substances, I was living off of working one day a week at a gay nightclub as a bouncer and selling drugs to supplement my income. I was going downhill fast.
In the fall of 2002, I almost died twice in my friend’s apartment, two weeks apart, from taking drugs, and I still didn’t stop. In both instances I made the same plea for my life "God. Please! Not here! Not like this".
Want to see a man beg? Try to take his life when he’s not right with God.
Want to see sinful pride at it’s worst? After my life had been spared, I went right back to the same behavior. This time, I decided to take it up a few steps and really explore the so-called spiritual aspect of drug use…
Earlier on in my "career" I started using a drug called Ketamine. This is drug is known as a dissociative anesthetic agent with profound psychedelic properties. In high dosages if floods the brain with glutamate, which is the same thing that happens biologically when you die. It causes you to "leave your body" or what is known as a Near Death Experience. Basically, it causes the mind to separate from body. They use it in hospitals on the elderly and small children because is has very low residual side effects. They also use it as a cat tranquilizer. Most people break into Vet clinics and steal it. I was getting mine from a guy who had a source at pre-production level, meaning it was a pure precursor used to make the liquid form.
I first heard of Ketamine because of a famous, highly esteemed scientist from the 60’s named John C. Lilly. John Lilly was popular in the 70’s for doing telepathic experiments with dolphins using ketamine. He also invented technology called "the Lilly wave", the technique was an electric current waveform with which animals could be stimulated through implanted electrodes for several hours per day for several months without causing irreversible changes in threshold by the passage of current through brain tissue.
John was also ketmaine addict, and into metaphysics. He used to report speaking to "alien intelligence" while under the influence of ketamine induced NDE states (Near Death Experiences). He named these entities the E.C.C.O. (The Earth Coincidence Control Office). John used to go into these states and ask these "things" to reveal God to him. The whole story surrounding John, his life and his achievements are pretty bizarre, but I thought I was finally on to something, so I went down the same path. Sure enough, I started to experience the same thing. It was very fascinating. So incredible, I was compelled and driven to start teaching others how to do it. I thought I had reached a new point in the "evolution" of mankind… Boy was I wrong.
This started becoming a daily habit for me. I was bent on getting deeper and deeper into this New World, and became consumed by it. Until one day something went wrong. I was in "state" and thought "This time I’ll ask to see God". So, I took my usually dosage, laid back on my bed and relaxed. When my mind was freed and susceptible to influence. I found "myself" sitting in the center of the universe, so I took my chance and put out a "cosmic distress call" as it were. I cried out "Help, my planet is dying and people are in trouble" Suddenly, I found myself falling down a tunnel of fire, with a mentally transmitted message from the ‘E.C.C.O.’, which was "Your race must reach the destruction before it can advance. Only through the brink of annihilation can you achieve perfection ". I was frightened so I pulled myself out of it with all I had, I knew something wasn’t right…
My mind was completely blown away by this time. I had been going through these moments of what I though was communication with the "entities" but never to the extent of what just took place. I thought, "I have to go back and find what just happened". I laid out a small amount of the drug, ingested it nasally, and tried to "reconnect". This time, there was horrifying imagery connected to the trip. My soul was being shredded and torn in the most grotesque manner and a message was given along with it "Don’t ever come back if you know what is it good for you".
I can’t begin to explain what was going through my mind at that time. I was scared. I knew this time I had gone way too far.
I tried to blow it off like it didn’t matter. I flush the rest of my ketamine down the toilet and tried to put it behind me. I vowed never to do it again. A few nights later, on a Tuesday night I was sitting in front of my computer playing a video game and the imagery from the Sunday before flashed in my mind. I tired to ignore it, but it happened a second time. Once again I tried to rid myself of it, then the third time it hit me like a tons of brick. There was also a message with it too… "You have been involved in demonic activity. Repent now or you are going to Hell"
I fell on my face and started begging for mercy. I knew I had to run to Jesus. He was my only hope. I don’t know why I knew this, I just did. So there I was, on the ground in my bedroom, on my knees. My face flat on the floor begging Jesus for forgiveness.
The next few days I started searching the internet looking for "true Christianity" knowing very well there was a lot of untruths out there. I just didn’t know where to look. Until I came across a one-page site with a small link at the bottom of it. The link read "for new converts and sound biblical teachings". I thought that’s what I was looking for so I went ahead and clicked the link.
It brought me to 5solas.org
I poked around the site for a bit, and noticed they had a link labeled "chat". I wasn’t much of a MSN Chat user, but I knew I needed to find someone to talk to - someone to pray for me. I had no other choice.
I hung out in the room for a bit, and ended up talking to someone with the nickname "Kermie". After speaking with Kermie for some time, and telling him about my new life where I had "accepting Jesus", he introduced himself a "Brandan" and politely asked me how I knew Jesus. I must have told him everything under the sun that I’ve heard from television over the years. It was obvious to Brandan I wasn’t saved at this point, but explained the gospel and the need for a true, honest repentance towards Christ. He summed it up with three words for me "Trust and Obey". I wrote those words on a stick-it note and stuck it to my mirror. He also told me to beg for mercy…
A few nights went by as Brandan and myself spent more time online together. He told me I needed to find a body of believers to fellowship with and went out of his way to find a few places that I could check out. I was set up for my first day of church on the upcoming Sunday, but between then my life was about to take a HUGE turn the night before…
The following Saturday night (before Sunday) I was online speaking to Brandan, who by this time was aware of my situation, and the life I was living up to that point. He expressed his concern about me going into work that night as it might serve to be problematic for me in my "new walk". He had said, "I’m not telling you to quit your job", but I thought I knew the point he was trying to make. As I started getting ready for work, I sat at the front of my house having a cigarette thinking "If I’m going to do this, it has to be all the way…" So I called up my employer and quit that night. Not having another job, nor any money, and on top of that, being in debt, I took a leap and put faith into practice.
I came back to my computer and told the news to Brandan who seemed thrilled at the choice I made. We chatted for a bit longer while he sent me hymns from cyberhymal.org. One of the hymns he sent to me was "Amazing Grace" by John Newton. I had heard the song all my life, and thought nothing of it. So I minimized the window for the page and left it alone.
A few minutes later, I decided to take a shower, so I told Brandan I would be online after a while.
I jumped in the shower thinking about everything I was going through and I still didn’t feel secure. I was being continually tormented inside. Something was still wrong. Up until that night I was plagued with nightmares, irrational fear during the day. I was a wreck. Words cannot begin to describe the struggle that was taking place . I sat in the shower crying so hard my lungs hurt. I kept begging relentlessly for Jesus to help me until I reached a final point and said, " I have nothing else to give you! What do you want from me?" I stopped and waited for an answer.
Nothing. No response, just silence.
I slumped against the shower wall and started to sob heavily. I cried "That’s it, I’m going to hell…"
Next thing I knew, I was frozen. I couldn’t move. Then a series of images flooded my mind. It was my soul trapped in a box in complete darkness, and unaware. Then a whirlwind of love came out of nowhere from beyond the darkness, like a child laughing, knocking the lock off the off the box. Whatever it was took great pleasure out of setting me free.
The door to the coffin sized box flew open and my soul woke up. My soul realized it had been trapped for eternity, completely unaware until it’s moment of its release. "Oh! I’m free!" my soul cried. Then it staggered away into the darkness as fast as it could, naked, like a newborn baby just learning how to walk. I fully understood the scenario. I was a slave being set free.
The force that loosed my bonds was so humble, and so loving, its infinite power was revealed through its humility. I felt like puny little rat being let out of his cage.
I stepped out of the shower and knew exactly what had just taken place.
God saved me.
I went back to my computer to tell Brandan the "good news".
And there is was, the minimized window sitting in the taskbar blinking…
"Amazing Grace" by John Newton.
I opened the window, and read the lyrics. I cried like a baby until morning. Never in my life had I been so thankful as I was on the night of Saturday, February 15 2003.
Originally Posted by Darth Gill
Re: My Testimony
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