Funny and yet true

[Wax Poetic]

I have to post this at each forum I visit just because it is hilarious and yet true at the same time.



" Planning a career in online Christian fundamentalist apologetics? How about the exciting world of Young-Earth Creationism? Witnessing to, and debating with, atheists and other
hellbound unsaved sinners on
the internet can be hard work, so you need to familiarise yourself with the tried and tested methods used by fundies all around the world. After completing this simple training course,
the shadow of doubt will
never again flicker across your mind whilst listening to the lies and deceptions of those ignorant infidels who disagree with your self-evident truths.

1) Inerrancy

First and foremost, the Bible is the absolute, literal word of God. Contrary to popular opinion, it contains none of the following:

errors of any kind
contradictions
absurdities

When you understand this, dealing with those who claim to have found a contradiction is simplicity itself: there are no contradictions, so he cannot have found one! You see? Easy,
isn't it? If your opponent
continues in his error after having this explained to him (nice and slowly), elaborate on your answer using an appropriate response from the following list:

That translation is incorrect - in the original texts a different word is used, so it is not a contradiction.
He is taking the verses out of context, so there is no contradiction.
Satan has blinded him to the truth. There is no contradiction, and he should pray to be shown the correct meaning.
This is only an apparent contradiction. That is not the same as an actual contradiction.
If the verses are interpreted correctly, it is obvious that there is no contradiction.
There are no contradictions in the Bible, so this is not a contradiction.
The contradiction is caused by his anachronistic thinking. The word [insert word here] had a different meaning back then.

Having just demonstrated that the supposed contradictions do not exist, you have now proved that there are no contradictions in the Bible, reinforcing your claim that it is truly the
unsullied Holy Word of God.

2) Science

There is but one measuring stick required to determine the truth of any claim - how it compares with Holy Scripture. More precisely, how it compares with your personal reading of
Scripture. So, if some secular
humanist scientists dare to dream up a theory (or "wild guess", as it is more accurately known) that apparently conflicts with the teachings of the Bible, clearly these egg-head mad
professors have made yet
another idiotic mistake, possibly under demonic influence. How do we know they are mistaken? See "1 Inerrancy".

Conversely, when science agrees with the Bible we should applaud the brave, Bible-believing investigators for supporting the Holy Word and showing the glory of Creation. But usually
they are wrong.

Never forget, the atheists are quick to use the findings of science as "evidence" in their arguments, but this is because materialism and science are their god and religion. They want
the men in white coats to save
them from the God they know will judge them.

3) Debating techniques

Here we delve into the murky world of online debating with heathens. You can witness to lost souls in USENET newsgroups (such as alt.atheism and talk.origins), or in message fora
on their websites.

Self contradiction

In a heated argument, you will often find yourself losing track of your previous posts, and the atheist will often accuse you of contradicting comments you made earlier. As your words
are Bible-based, it stands
to reason that they should therefore be correct at all times. Refer to "1 Inerrancy". Alternatively, remember that, as slaves of The Evil One, atheists will do their best to twist your
words and attempt to confuse
you. If this appears to be happening, ignore their comments and pray for strength.

Logic and reason

These are the playthings of the unbeliever, and you should have no truck with them. Faith in the Lord is all you need. The atheist will try to imply that God should be bound by the
rules of logic, but God
invented logic and so cannot be constrained by it! The more illogical and unreasoning you are, the harder it becomes for atheists to refute your statements. They will scream "But
that doesn't make sense! It is
logically impossible!" - be that as it may, your faith will tell you that you are correct. With God, all things are possible - including impossible things. What more do you need?

The burden of proof is on the skeptic

"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" you will be told. But just who is making the extraordinary claim here? You, who simply observe the Creator's hand in all things,
or the infidel who against
all logic and reason denies the very same. Clearly, it is incumbent on the unbelievers to support their ludicrous assertions that there is no God. Ask them if they can prove God does
not exist. Ask how they can
be so arrogant to make this claim, when they have not searched the entire universe for God. They will come back and ask you to disprove the existence of Zeus, Vishnu and
unicorns, but you should dismiss such
childish nonsense - there is no comparison between the fairy-tale gods of other religions and the Truth of Christianity, Their inability to disprove God is evidence enough that He is
real. If they cannot overturn
your theory, they are clearly being unreasonable by refusing to accept it.

Next part coming...

[Wax Poetic]

Repeating yourself

After spending a few days debating with a group of atheists, you should leave them alone for a week or so. This will give them time to come to terms with the truths you have
revealed. Also, it will provide time
for new people to join the discussion. This allows you to return to the forum once more and repeat your statements, unchanged, for the benefit of newcomers. We recommend storing
your longer arguments in a
text file, so it can be easily cut-and-pasted into the forum. If the forum regulars object, explain that, having already corrected their misconceptions, you are now simply trying to
reach the new members and those
who still unreasonably reject the truth. If they are civilised people, they will respect this and stand aside. Repeat this technique until you are banned from the board or placed in
everybody's killfile.

Huge posts

To take the wind out of your opponent's sails, reply to the smallest query with pages and pages of text. Ideally, you should spend a couple of hours writing this yourself, but if you
don't have the time
cut-and-paste relevant (or, if possible, irrelevant) information from other Christian websites or resources. Try to spend at least ten kilobytes explaining why they should pray more,
why they should fear Hell, how
Christ died for their sins, why prominent Christian philosophers and scientists disagree with them, how long-dead Christians have already proven them wrong, and so on. Ask as
many obscure questions as
possible. If they are truly sincere (which, being atheists, is impossible) they will answer all of your points. If they fail to answer all of your points and questions, victory is yours. Make
a note of this humiliating
defeat and remember to bring it up often when dealing with this particular individual. (This is also a handy technique to use during a live debate with evolutionists. )

A variant on this theme is to post numerous verses from the Bible to support your argument. Why bother with a hundred words of explanation, when a single verse will do it all for
you. Simply post the verse
that refutes the atheist, and then maybe two or three more referring to hellfire. As the verses are known to be true, little more need be said on the matter. If the atheist predictably
comes back with a counter
argument, post the same verses again but suggest that he actually read them this time.

Grammar and spelling

- Are not important, as long as the Spirit guides you. If you are criticised for being unable to form a sentence in English, or using words like "athiset", "Noahs arc", "evolotin" and
"revilatian" - worry not. It is
not the trivia of punctuation and spelling which is important, but getting the message of God across.

Consider this excellent example. To the untrained eye, the writer may appear to be an illiterate, ignorant dolt, but just feel the love in his words:
"i was wonder if you yourself knew that darwin disowned his theroy in his last days knowing that fossils show species suddenly appering not sight mutations made over long periods of
time. the fact is eveolution is total improvible."
Only the coldest of hearts could not be moved by such testimony. This is the sort of level of incoherent drooling you should be aiming for.

You should combine a flimsy grasp of the English language with your own distinctive writing style. The following are quite fashionable at the moment:

writing everything in lower case without any punctuation at all this can be quite difficult to read but is very easy to type which is a bonus dont you think
ALTERNATIVELY, WRITE EVERYTHING IN CAPS. THIS MAKES YOUR IMPORTANT MESSAGE STAND OUT AND PEOPLE WILL TAKE NOTICE OF IT AND REALISE THAT YOU
REALLY MEAN IT.
short, disjointed.....sentences separated by long......strings of dots.....this makes you look quite.....thoughtful as if you are......pausing every now and......then.
Overuse of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can emphasise the point you are trying to make!!!!!!!!!!!! Question marks also work well, don't they???????????????????????????
Show ur mastery of the Internet by using words like "u" instead of "you", "2" instead of "to" and "too", "ur" instead of "your" and "you're", and u 2 can spread the gospel 2 other
kewl d00dz.

If English is not your first language, all the better. The way you present your argument says a lot about you, so pick wisely.

Knowledge of the subject

Whether you are talking about evolution, the origins of the universe, basic human anatomy, or the structure of the solar system, there is no need to concern yourself with learning
anything at all about the issue.
See "1 Inerrancy". By definition, those who disagree with you are wrong, deluded and possibly perverts, so it is a bad idea to pollute your mind with their religious beliefs. All the
evidence in the world is no
match for a single grain of the True Faith.

If they say "But evolution doesn't work like that! You are completely clueless!" remind them that evolution doesn't actually work at all. Has a cow ever given birth to a dog? Do we see
hydrogen turning into
people around us? If we "evolved" from chimps, why are there still chimps? Why do we not see amoebae sprouting legs and talking? These harsh insights will cut through their
dogma like a hot knife through
butter.

If they refer you to papers or websites showing that the universe is billions of years old, refer them in turn to Genesis. Explain how carbon dating methods have been shown to be
hopelessly flawed. For instance,
when the Turin Shroud was dated, the so-called experts put it around the 14th Century, instead of 33AD. This obviously calls into question all the other radiometric dating guesses
they will throw around.

Definitions of words

Words can often mean several different things. For example, the word "set" has dozens of meanings : a set of things; a badger lives in a set; a jelly will set; you can set something
down on a table; you can set up
a meeting; and so on. Words mean what you need them to mean at any particular time. This is a common reason why you will find atheists misunderstanding things - they think you
mean one thing, when
actually you were talking about something else. It's hardly your fault if they are unable to keep up, is it? For example, Genesis speaks of a mist rising from the ground to water the
Earth. This can mean : mist,
rain, dew, fog, clouds, water vapour, condensation, snow, hail, sleet or any other conceivable form of precipitation. Let the Spirit guide you in this matter, and if the atheist claims you
are mistaken or contradicting
yourself, let the Spirit guide you once more to the true definition of the word. This may happen many times, as you can easily misinterpret the Spirit's guidance

4) Mental gymnastics

Lying for Jesus

Being economical with the truth, making up data on the spot and ignoring conflicting evidence are all handy weapons in your arsenal. The important thing is to convince the opponent
of the veracity of your
claims. Just how you go about this is unimportant. Feel free to refer to other fundamentalist works, whether or not they have been supposedly "discredited", "refuted" or
"demonstrated to be false" - the ICR
website and publications, Jack Chick tracts, Dr.Dino's website and videos, Answers In Genesis, things you remember hearing from other fundies or as a child in Sunday School, and so
on. When comparing the
works of God-fearing, Bible-believing Christians against deviant secular humanist scientists, who are you going to believe?

Remember, you are here to save their immortal soul from the burning fires of Hell, not educate them in stuff they don't really need to know anyway. If you have a dubious argument
based on fictional data, but it
works, then there is no problem. The vital matter is bringing souls to Jesus and how you go about that is immaterial. The ends justify the means, and in this case the "ends" are
souls being saved. Such a noble
and worthy goal itself justifies any means you see fit to use. Physical force is generally frowned upon, although there are clear historical precedents for this. Use your own judgement.

Don't forget, the Lord is watching at all times, and will certainly forgive you as long as you are spreading His good news. So go to it!

Compartmentalisation

In this world, what you know to be true often conflicts with the reality around you. To be a soldier for Christ it will help enormously if you can master the technique of mental
compartmentalisation. This means
you must be able to keep your scriptural knowledge away from the secular knowledge that allows you to function in wordly matters, e.g. at your place of work. For example, even
though science is clearly
mistaken about the processes involved in radioactive decay (see the "carbon dating" example above), if you worked at a nuclear power plant it would be necessary to assume the
opposite was true - otherwise it
would be impossible to build nuclear reactors. Likewise, a good fundy astronomer knows that the correct date of the universe is about 10,000 years at most, but must be able to
examine galaxies millions of
light-years away and explain them according to the secular model of cosmology. Being able to hold two (or more) sets of mutually exclusive thoughts at once is extremely beneficial
to the up-and-coming fundy
on the internet.

Remember, something might be "true" while you're at work or sitting an exam, but it's still completely wrong, and you should switch back to the "Christian Compartment" in your
brain whenever possible.

Wilful ignorance

Ignorance is bliss, and what is more blissful than reading the Word Of God? You will often find yourself accused of this "crime", but why should you waste time trying to learn how the
unbelievers lie to
themselves? You don't need to read a book on evolution to know that it is wrong. You don't need to read a book about the so-called Big Bang to know that it is a delusion.

It is the atheists who are wildly ignorant for not reading the Bible! Sure, many of them say they have read it, but this is clearly a lie - if they've read it, how come they don't believe
it?

Don't waste your precious time trying to get to grips with their overly-complicated theories, when you have a much simpler theory that you already know is true.

Conclusion

There you have it - Fundy Think For Beginners.

All you need to do now is decide how to sign off your devastating arguments. There is classic arrogant abuse, such as "Ha ha ha what an idiot! God made it all! Get an education."; or
patronising the opponent -
"I'll pray that God opens your closed mind and eyes"; a selection of obscure Bible verses, maybe; and finally, the ever popular subtle threats of hellfire - "Well, I've told you the
Truth, I only hope you like it
HOT after you die".

Don't forget what you've learned : return a week later and post exactly the same assertions that you started with."

[Wax Poetic]

Sorry about the structure, this forum doesn't handle big Cut'n'Pastes well...

[countrymouse]

Oo, ouch! I hope you won't find much of this at 5solas! (It does happen, though. )

cm

[Wax Poetic]

I hope not either, I just post it as a kind of warning to Christian and Non alike, and also if I am falling under one of its catagories as does happen every now and then people can just show me my own doctrine to my chagrine

[Twonky]

Originally posted by Wax Poetic
Sorry about the structure, this forum doesn't handle big Cut'n'Pastes well...

Actually, the area you put your posts in here is just like Notepad. If it's formatted correctly when you copy it, it will show the correct format when you paste it. I suspect you just cut and paste this from another forum that had hard returns in place. Trying to fit that into a page that wraps itself will never work.

Besides that of course, everyone knows that there are always going to be the extremeists on both sides. It would do a disservice to anyone to classify them as an extremeist in their views.